Now I'm not really one to complain or rant about anything, especially not about my feelings, but I feel as if I should tell you this. I don't really know how to start. I've said it many times in my head, but now that the words are becoming real, I can't seem to piece it together anymore. I guess I'll start with why I'm writing to you. The other day, I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that all the time we've spent together, all the thought's I've had of you, all of the feeling that I've felt towards you, we're all just a waste of time.
Before you get angry and defensive, hear me out. Do you remember when we met in the 10th grade? You probably don't, but I do. That's four years of time I can't get back. It wasn't worth all of the disapproving looks and the disappointing sighs and the "Oh Ashley..."s. You don't know how many times I've heard, "You can do better" and "He's not worth it." I would nod my head and think to myself "They just don't get it. They don't understand." In reality, I was the one who didn't get it. I didn't understand. Well, I do now. I saw what everyone else saw. I cared so much for someone who cared so little. I realized that I would never be as important to you, as you we're to me.
There were so many hints and clues I should have caught on to and understood. That's what sad. That's what upsets me. I wouldn't say I am a relationship person, but I was so blinded by the thought of something happening between us. This fairytale, this facade, kept me from realizing how manipulated I was by this false vision of happiness. I mean for four years, all I ever was to you was a late night phone call or that person you would secretly text. I was always just a secret. The secret everyone knew, but you didn't care to admit. Now I'm just that girl that comes up in conversation, and suddenly people ask you about me, but you brush it off as if I'm a nobody. We don't even know a single thing about each other either. I could ask you what month my birthday is in and you wouldn't even know. But I'll admit, much of this goes for me too. We used each other. We're just each others back up, and that doesn't have a nice ring to it, does it? We both knew, that regardless of what the other one was doing or who the other one was talking to, we could just call each other up and suddenly we'd be back. We used each other to try and feel something, but all it did was make us heartless.
What I'm really trying to say is, I'm done. I'm done being a secret. I'm done being used. I'm done being heartless. I wouldn't take back any part of the past four years, but I wouldn't relive it again. It wasn't really a waste, I guess. It happened for a reason. You we're a part of my life for a reason, and I thank you. Maybe I'll see you around, maybe not. Take care.
Best wishes,
Ashley
